A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his coworkers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
-- Ed Mohler
The university/firm has determined that there is no longer any need for computer network or software applications support. The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.
1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
Thank you.
Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
-- Larry Ohlinger
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is -- it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is -- it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
The boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
-- Larry Ohlinger
Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.
When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."
-- Jason Bonnough
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the third man a Chemist, and the fourth a Government worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff!" T-Square trotted over to the desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that T-Square was pretty smart!
Then the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, show them how smart you are!" Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen, and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed, that was good!
Yet the Chemist said his dog could do even better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your thing!" Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone oohed and ahhhed and was quite impressed!
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker, and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!!!" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate all the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, chased the other three dogs around, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!!!
-- Larry Ohlinger
Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle.
When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend. However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a (gasp!) -- ashes and broken vase scattering all around. After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.."
"It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal-Mart."
The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..."
"Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"
-- Larry Ohlinger
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the Emergency room right away.
*********************
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.
*********************
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
-- Ed Mohler
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer, "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
-- Larry Ohlinger
On a transatlantic flight a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable. I've had plenty of fun in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman. Well, I've had it. Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman. He whispers, "Iron this!
-- Ed Mohler
One beautiful autumn day, a Park Ranger discovered a man sitting in the woods chewing away on a dead Bald Eagle. "Hey mister, the Bald Eagle is a protected species, and killing one is punishable offense", said the Park Ranger. The man was swiftly arrested, and ushered before the judge. In court, he pleaded innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation.
"I was so hungry" complained the defensive camper, "the Bald Eagle was the only food I could find!" To everyone's amazement, the judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, I would like you to tell me something before I let you go.
I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. But I'd like to know: What did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a Whooping Crane and a Spotted Owl."
-- Larry Ohlinger
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
*********************
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
*********************
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
*********************
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
*********************
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
*********************
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
*********************
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
*********************
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
*********************
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
*********************
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago -- it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
-- Larry Ohlinger
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
*********************
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...
*********************
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...
*********************
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..." (Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps...)
*********************
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas "Kwik Shop", and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
*********************
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars...
*********************
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the emergency operator asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
-- Larry Ohlinger
With a pilot's strike against Northwest Airlines, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care.
It's just not right. Thousands of pilots in our very own country are living at or just below the six-figure salary line. And as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several days, weeks - or even a month!
But now you can help! For about three hundred dollars a day - that's less than the price of a 25" television set - you can help keep a pilot economically viable during his or her time of need.
Three hundred dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a pilot it could mean the difference between a vacation spent fishing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, three hundred dollars is nothing more than half a months rent or mortgage payment. But to a pilot, three hundred dollars a day will almost replace his or her salary.
Your commitment of three hundred dollars a day will enable a pilot to upgrade his or her home computer, buy that new 100" television set, trade in the year old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a dinner (with Champagne) at the Ritz- Carlton.
"HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the crew member you sponsor. Detailed information about his or her stocks, bonds, 401(k), and real estate holdings will be mailed to your home. You will be able to watch your pilot's net worth grow. You'll also get information on how they plan to invest the $1.2 million lump sum they will receive upon retirement.
"HOW WILL THEY KNOW I'M HELPING?"
Your pilot will be told that he or she has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the pilot won't know your name, he or she will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator - just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.
Simply fill out the form below.
===================================================
YES, I want to help!
I would like to sponsor a striking Northwest Airlines crew member. My preference is checked below:
[ ] Captain
[ ] First Officer
[ ] Flight Engineer
[ ] 757 Crew Member
[ ] A320 Crew Member
[ ] DC-10 Crew Member
[ ] DC-9 Crew Member
[ ] 727 Crew Member
[ ] MD-80 Crew Member
[ ] 747 Crew Member *
[ ] An entire Flight Crew **
[ ] I'll sponsor a crew member most in need. Please select one for me.
* Slightly higher cost
** Please call our 900 number for a loan application.
Your Name: __________________________
Telephone Number: __________________________
Please charge the account listed below $326.25 per day (or $350.29 for 747 crew members) for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the crew member I have sponsored, along with a set of "wings" and my very own NWA badge to wear proudly on my lapel.
[ ] MasterCard
[ ] Visa
[ ] American Express
[ ] Discover Card
[ ] Diner's Club
Account Number: __________________________ Exp. Date:_______
Signature: __________________________
Mail completed form to Airline Pilots Association or call 1-555-HELP-APA now to enroll by phone (Children under 18 must have parent's approval)
Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the crew member they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the crew member you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying their free time, compliments of your generous donations. Oh yes, contributions are not tax deductible.
-- Larry Ohlinger
Send us your jokes and anecdotes, and you will see them here ASAP! And please keep in mind that we air in the 7:00 to 8:00 time slot. They need to be clean to make it on the issue, but we'll read 'em all anyway!
E-mail them to:sdwletters@softdisk.com
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